More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
She has an album entitled "my photography", which consists of about 80 different pictures of a tractor that she took on her cell phone. I'm all for freedom of expression, but come on.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
