all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
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