Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
