I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
Randomize
