If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
