My liver just broke up with me...
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
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