Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Randomize
