I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
