moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
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