We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
