nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
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