Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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