I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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