Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
