nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
Randomize
