Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
