ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
