I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Randomize
