your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
