I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Randomize
