So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
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