we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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