New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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