id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
