then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
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