I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
