I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
