My boss' voice literally gives me gas
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
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