I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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