When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
