I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Randomize
