there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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