There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
