Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
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