My penis is the apex of life and all other references. Lookin for a cheap vagina at this point. And cheap Korean BBQ
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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