Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
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