Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
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