Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Randomize
