: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Randomize
