So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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