If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Question. If Kwik Trip and Kum and Go were to merge, what would they call it? Kwik Kum or Kum Kwik?
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
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