He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
Randomize
