it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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