I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
ya i guess you have to take things with a grain of salt in a place where nipple clamps are the norm..
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Randomize
