Nice 2 c u showing ur bro some affection
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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