I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
Randomize
