I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Randomize
