Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
