i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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