Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
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