so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
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