I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
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