just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
