Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Randomize