i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
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