Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
too bad you live with your parents still
Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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