when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
Is Oprah even human
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Randomize
