Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
