Aj just asked if we were going to the bulldog tonight..i told her no because of the expense and tests coming up..but mostly because i don't want herpes
these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
