Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
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